In this case, Iknew I was sunk before I even got stated. I resign myself to defeat andslowly strip and begin slipping on my bikini. And even though I wasnervous I was excited to actually be wearing a bikini. The only hardpart was looking up at my soul-mate and her smug smile. "Why do you eventry and go against me on these things?"I finish putting on my bottoms and make my way over to her and pull herin for a hug. "Because I am stupid in love," I tell Jenny as I lean infor a kiss."Aww," Jenny coos as we share a kiss before she starts urging me to getgoing. I finally get changed and slip my sandals back on. I quicklywrap myself in the cover up Jenny hands me and we make our way downstairsand out towards the beach. As we entered the cabana that sat on theThompson property next to the beach, my nerves increased. Jennyrecognized it and took my hand and told me to relax there was nothing tobe worried about. Jenny punched in a code to the door and we entered thecabana. There was. But sitting there among these women gain reinforced my shame - I couldnever be one of them, but they would never see me as a male either.Again the shame and the excitement in tandem!I started to take more and more risks to achieve the excitement andhumiliation I was seeking. Going out in daylight to shopping centres,cafes, straight bars and cinemas fully dressed. I started to wear moredaring outfits.I loved self humiliation. I loved going out in public with a bra obviousunder my shirt and sheer pantyhose and occasionally flat or low-heeledeffeminate shoes on display under my trouser leg - sometimes tightwomens' jeans with a plain-cut womens' shirt to keep them guessing.I would love trying on stiletto heels in shoe stores and the look on thesales assistants face as I revealed a pair of stockinged feet andpainted toe nails under my well cut suit. Sometimes disdain, sometimessurprise, sometimes a polite compliment about my nail polish or hose. Idon't know what they were really thinking,.
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